In Times of Stillness
When I started this blog I wanted it to be real and honest of a widow's journey. Therefore, I feel led that I need to share my April with you. April was hard. It started off by having COVID for two full weeks. Fourteen days of straight fever until it finally broke. It took its toll on me physically and mentally. I spent every day on the couch watching tv, napping, and staring at our last family portrait. I probably don't have to tell you that when you don't feel good your emotions become highly sensitive. So, many tears fell during that time frame. Grief rose up again. I thought I had it under control, but I have come to realize that with grief there is no control. Grief is its own entity. It comes and goes at it's own beckoning. Yes, there are things that can trigger it, yet there are times when it comes from nowhere.
The following next couple of weeks as I tried to recover and regain my strength, I started working again on our upstairs. After having had new carpet laid it was time now to finally get the bedrooms back together. Redecorating, putting things away, and cleaning up could be done slowly in short segments. Finally by the later part of April I decided to begin tackling the upstairs office . The office is not small. In fact, it once was two bedrooms. One was very small, but the other was a normal size bedroom. So, we took out the wall between the two bedrooms and made it one large room. This room became the office, which was really Jon's office. At least 90% of the stuff in that room was his. I had dreaded the day that I would begin the labor of going through all his stuff. It has been rough. There have been a few times that I have sat in the middle of that office floor sobbing. So many things bringing back floods of memories I had forgotten. There have also been a few times when I was so angry. Angry that he didn't try and do some of this before he left this world. That he would leave all of this for me to take care of. But then the anger subsided and the grief once again arose.
April 25th marked the seventh month that Jon has been gone. Along with that seven months many people have faded away too. Please don't take me wrong, I get it. Life goes on for everyone. But now, being on the other side, there is so much I never realized or truly understood of being a widow. It gets really lonely. For me, I am still trying to figure out where I fit into this world again. I am no longer a spouse, an employee, a caregiver, or a pastor's wife. Everything I have known for years is no longer.
Ironically I started leading a bible study at church recently. The study is ELIJAH by Priscilla Shirer. In 1 Kings 17, God told Elijah to go tell Ahab that He is going to dry up the land. So Elijah went to Ahab and revealed to him what God was going to do. Then God came back to Elijah and told him to go to the brook of Cherith. Elijah instantly obeyed God and goes to the brook and dwells there. How long he was there, we don't really know. But while Elijah stayed there, God took care of him. He drank of the brook of Cherith and a raven came in the morning and night bringing Elijah meat and bread. This continues everyday until the brook dried up due to the drought, and then God told Elijah where to go next. This really hit home to me! I feel like I too am sitting at the brook of Cherith! Everyday God takes such wonderful care of me, providing for me as if ravens themselves were dropping off meat and bread. I can only imagine the patience that Elijah must have had to sit and wait all those months, possibly even a year of more. Patiently waiting on God to tell him what to do next. Sitting there alone, praying earnestly that God might change his current situation. Maybe even asking God, "Can I go now". My heart resonates with Elijah during his time at Cherith, as I myself earnestly pray for God to show me where to go or what to do next. How long will I sit at Cherith, only time will tell. But in the meantime, I have no doubt God will lovingly take care of me.
I tell you all this because I know that someone reading this is sitting at their own Cherith right now. You're tired, you're lonely, you're uncomfortable and you are ready to get moving but nothing is happening. I want you to know you are not alone and I want to encourage you that after Cherith, God used Elijah in a mighty way (Read 1 Kings 17 & 18). So hold on dear friend with me as we sit and wait at Cherith. May we learn what God is teaching us here at this moment! He does have great plans for us if we allow Him to work and not get in our own way!